Before I start telling you guys about my past relationshits and my love life, just know that I don’t truly believe I’ve ever been in love.
There have been times when I lived in a moment of love, but I don’t think it was ever truly real. Because the only person I think I ever could have been in love with died years ago. I call him my soulmate to this day, and everyone else has just been placeholders. The moment I found with this person was brief but magical, with an impact on my life still felt 16 years later. Crazy thing: no sex involved, just… So please, don’t be weird with your wondering mind as you read this. I never got to truly tell him how I felt. On the flip side, he never missed a moment to tell me how he felt. It’s fucked that, out of sheer loyalty to a friend, I stopped talking to him. Oh, the dumb mind of a child paired with bad decision-making skills. There’s a part of me that’s still angry that I never saw your last message before you died. When I found out, I went looking for you, and I found it. I found your message somewhere hidden in my inbox, unread for years. It angered me that I left you sitting there for so long. It’s a complex, beautiful story. Profound, in a sense, because how can I say that he was the love of my life, but I never got the chance to love him? That brief moment we spent in history left such a deep impact on me. Since I lost the soulmate I never knew I had, I never looked for love. Love would just have to find me. And to those who thought I was in love with them, my bad. Because I never got the chance to be in love with my soulmate. Because my soulmate died a long time ago.
My Teddy Bear.
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